Breaking "News"

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Breaking "News" 🧨

by April McGuffin

A little talked about law passed by the DC City Council goes into effect today, and oddly, no one seems to be talking about it.

According to an unnamed source at the Wilson Building, the new law requires all households with a car or a truck to pay DPR an additional $200 a year for each vehicle they want to park on the street, while offering a $400 a year tax credit for each bicycle the household owns. Called the Raise Money Not Pollution And Make More Space On Streets Law (conveniently shortened to RMNPAMMSOS), those with cars are about to pay more to park their cars.

"Parking concerns, and the lack of parking, are always hot topics at ABRA meetings," said the unknown official. "Residents complain of having to park a few houses away sometimes, or even around the block. The City Council thought this new law would positively impact not only parking situations, but also climate concerns."

In fact, those who decide to keep their car and pay the fee will have to put a new bumper sticker prominently on their car, proclaiming their use of fossil fuels — even those who drive electric or hybrid cars.

"I mean, if you have an electric car, you gotta know the electricity generated to fill up those batteries is coming from dead dinosaurs, right?" said another official who asked for anonymity.

There's no question cars take up a lot of space, cause collisions, pollute and park in bike lanes. The new rules that go into affect today, April 1st, are designed to remove as many cars as possible from DC's streets, making the city more friendly to pedestrians, bicyclists and those walking their dogs.

Those who can't afford the new parking fees are given the option of trading in their car for a new Schwinn bike, a unicycle or roller blade set (knee pads not included).

This happy fellow is driving down the street in his non-polluting unicycle! This could be you!

One neighbor on Gallatin Street said she was unconcerned for herself with the new law. “I mean, I have a garage and solar panels that charge my Tesla, so I’m not impacted,” the neighbor said. “But the couple who live next door, they own four cars between the two of them that they park on the street, and that’s going to be expensive for them.”

"We're biased, but we like the idea of a city full of fun unicycles," said a representative from Nimbus Unicycle. "When the City Council came up with this plan and reached out to us, we were all in! That's why we'll be offering free classes on how to ride unicycles all summer at a parking lot in Ashburn, Virginia. It's an easy drive out there in your car."

Happy April Fools!